What Ads Will I come Across Today?

Good Morning. I realize it's early. Most people sleep like babies through thunderstorms; I wake up. For the last 45 minutes I've been trying to get a decent picture of lightning, but the dawn light and my lack of the right rhythm have annihilated that goal. Of course as soon as I walked away, lightning struck so close that all my silverware rattled in the drawer with the resounding thunder. Hrmmm, maybe it's better that I wasn't standing at the window. Oh well, moot point (annoying side note: moot point originates from Merry Old English, from the word for meeting, where lawyers would get together and debate hypothetical cases and topics, so the point, however debatable, is moot. I know, I don't get me either).

Speaking of moot points, I decided to take a look at Craigslist job ads (I'm KIDDING). I'm getting pretty good at spotting the scams. If it just says "Twin Cities" and doesn't list a name of a business, I'm out. If I can get paid 18 bucks an hour and training is provided, that's just a school website. Why would I go to your online school if you can't even advertise it as a school? Let me tell you what's out there this morning, that has just posted; hot off the presses...the...online...press, where there is no heat. But "Hot through the fibre-optic" just doesn't have that 20th century kick that I love so much.

There are ads for:

-A fantasy football company needs a PR person. That is an understatement. Seriously?

-I could make 1500 in 2 weeks, AND lose 15 pounds, if I commit my body to science. Maybe, if it was sponsored by the University of MN. Or sounded reasonable. (this is very therapeutic; when I write it out, it seems so ridiculous!) If they are serious, at 100 dollars a pound, what do I have to go through?

-Oromo Interpreter. Not in my arsenal of partial languages known. Habla Italiano?

-Sales - cold calling

-Sales - telemarketing

-Sales - inside sales...what is that? Cubicle to Cubicle?

-Storm Chaser...hmm, that could be fun. Oh, it's going to neighborhoods after storms and getting work to repair damages. Clever.

-Hm...That new pharmacy around the corner is about to open. We'll keep that on the back burner for now.

-Crowd Management for new University football stadium. Oooh, I hate crowds. It'd be like the crowd was one big panther, and I'd have to puff up as big as I could and look scary. Pass. I tend to hold my breath every time I puff up, and no one wants a repeat of what's been dubbed the Cirque du Soleil Incident of 2007.

-Deceased Debt Collector. Ummmm no. I don't want to shoot myself every time I come home. Sad!

This can't be easy for the employer either (although it's easier than usual because there are so many applicants out there). Poor store, trying to make the job sound so fun! Spend your nights and weekends at the Mall of America! Yay! C'mon gang, let's go! Actually, something down there might actually be doable. And I could go to Underwater Adventures with my membership pass. I could be the Stingray wrangler AT Underwater Adventures. That'd be fun.

Where is Mike Rowe when you need him? "You don't have to beg and steal and you don't have to rob; all you've got to do is get yourself a dirty job." Hm...dirty job around here: Lutefisk Factory. It's a thought, that's all I'm saying. I hear Minnesota makes more Lutefisk than Norway these days. In an odd business arrangement, Norway send us their cod. We Lutefisk it (sorry, I know that's not a verb, but the process is just so wrong) and stink up OUR fair city, and send it back. Correction. We send back about 15%. The rest we eat. True story, Minnesotans eat more Lutefisk than Norwegians. That's the taste of the Old Country that people hold on to; Lutefisk and Lefse. But I digress.

So this morning I will apply to at least two jobs (as I do every morning), I will go to my dental appointment and fix my cavity (it's best to do all this medical stuff when unemployed, keeps the costs above your head), and then I will go to a job fair. I actually am looking forward to the job fair. How funny would it be if there was a company there that was a social pariah, like on that episode of The Office? Classic.

The sun is coming up, the ground begins to soak up the torrent, and it's time for me to start the day. Today I drink my tea to the unemployed. Cheers!