How Shaun of the Dead Explains the World.

Today is my 243rd consecutive day without a job. It's not all bad. I've seen a lot of the world this year, all of it new. I've taken up some new hobbies and had fun taking a lot of pictures. It gets harder to enjoy these things when the savings account continues to dwindle well into the "Red Zone" of uneasiness. I'm trying really hard to not worry. Worry doesn't help in this situation, it just exacerbates it (Ed from Shaun of the Dead: "What's that mean?!?"). Shaun of the Dead is a great movie; so many people go through life with the same routine, the same disappointments, the same weaknesses. Those that get the chance to come out of their sleep learn that life is really wonderful. If they can survive the waking. Plus it's super funny.

Yesterday was a perfect example...of why I didn't write. I was in a real mood yesterday, feeling like an absolute loser, and I just didn't know how it was going to come out if I wrote. All these things were exacerbated ("what's that mean?") by the fact that my mouth still hurts from some dental work last week and I got a bill while they're waiting for my insurance. Put that one in the circular file. I spent the morning running down the list of loser-like qualities that I have. I honestly don't think the job thing would be so scary if I weren't turning 30 soon. This led to bigger loser-ish items (sorry for the gummi word). If you look at my life from the point of view of the movie industry, for example, I look pretty darn pathetic. I'm 30 (almost), I don't have a job, my parents can't even plan a birthday party for me because my friends are all over the place, and seem to change every couple of years. The fact that my parents are trying to help me by throwing me a birthday party is so sweet, but for some reason, it keeps making me cry. I may as well be Jay or Silent Bob, sitting on the couch doing nothing or hanging out at the mall looking for chics. You know what I mean; if I were in the movies, I'd be of little consequence or value to the main character, who has a job and a life. Maybe Dupree was a better example. At least Jay and Silent Bob had adventures that resulted in hilarity. This is how I spent my morning yesterday. Good times.

In the middle of one of these pity parties my boyfriend came in. He said all the right things and let me cry some more, then told me I needed to get out of the house. He took me on an errand for work, and we ended up going to 2 different stores. I kept my tears controlled for the most part as we wandered through the first store, which was out of everything he needed (thus 2 stores). It boggles my mind when I walk through these stores. So many of the employees just sit there, zombie like, with their mouths hanging open. Shaun of the Dead got it so right with the zombies; he didn't even know people were zombies because he was acting like one every day with the same routine, etc. I'm watching all these sloppy employees, dressed in wrinkled clothes, staring, mouths open into the wild yonder, and all I can think of is, "How did you get a job? Show me how to be like you." Because they are everywhere. Aaaaaand the nausea returns.

I revisited the Macy's application with my boyfriend. It's basically a psych test of over 400 questions, many repeated to see how you'll answer the same question. Some of them were really situation based, so I would put neutral; In some situations that is appropriate, in some it is not. I think this is where I messed up. I should have taken a stand one way or the other, but some questions were too vague and open ended. I was talking to a friend a while back when I was applying somewhere else with a test like this, and he was like, "just answer how they want to hear, it doesn't matter." Why? Why should I answer like I am a perfect, completely black and white person without flaw? For some answers I will not apologize; I think employers have an obligation to their staff to keep them affirmed and praised, so that retention improves, and they are willing to be part of the team. I think criticism is helpful when delivered with praise, and brought in a team atmosphere, rather than pointing out someone's mistakes and not giving them credit for what they do right. Is this where I went wrong? Do I care?

My brain knows that I am valuable to any company. I know I work hard. I know I can do a lot of different tasks, and be very helpful. My brain knows that if I don't fit the psychological profile at Macy's, I don't want to be there. But here's the kicker. It's my feelings that overrun in these situations. Why wouldn't Macy's want me? Why wouldn't any of these places want me? I was open and honest, as I often am, and I am completely resentful of the way I have to conform, lie, up-sell myself and generally exaggerate my ENTIRE being, so that a company will take a second look at me. Right now, my feelings tell me that I am on my own; no one knows I exist, no one feels I'm worth a 20 minute meeting. Even convicts can get jobs, they even have people to help them. That's not a road I'm willing to travel.

Last night I was up in the middle of the night, again worrying about the future. I can't stop the future, I have no choice but to believe it is going to be good. I've only missed like 2 credit card payments in my life (here's the rundown on my finances...I know I don't get me either: I was an idiot in college with credit cards, a talent I learned from my all-too-useless fiancee (sorry, buddy. You screwed up a lot for me), resulting in credit card debt of over 24,000. In my last position, I got great at money and budgeting, and brought that number down by half. So I'm at half, but that is still a lot for me, especially with no job. So I've been making minimum payments all year, which amounts to about $550 a month, with a consolidation in there also, and gets me nowhere with my debt. That's almost rent for a crappy apartment, or rent with a roomate for a nice place. This is money I loathe paying. All I need is to win a bout 10 grand in the lottery, and pay it all off. I don't even want a million. Just give me 10-20 grand, and I'm set for long enough). If I start missing payments now, I have NO idea what will happen to my pretty credit score, how I will live, etc. it's freaking me out. I've always been that independent girl who figures it all out somehow, but it's not happening right now. Luckily, I have a boyfriend that doesn't mind paying the rent, so all I have to worry about is my crap and putting gas in my car. He doesn't seem to mind, at least when I am sane and not crying because of a midlife crisis at 30 (does that mean I'll only be 60?).

Anyway, these are the thoughts that plague me when I'm not looking. I'm still a human, an American, a smart chic (nobody beats me at Cash Cab), a funny one (looks aren't everything), I can be cute. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!!!

Here are yesterday's scams:

Scam #1:

Transam Associates provides precise medical transcription of voice files that doctors dictate for hospitals, clinics and doctor offices.

Transam Associates also conducts its own training program that prepares individuals for the medical transcription profession. This training is done online in the comfort of your own home. A personal trainer is provided to guide individuals in the training program through a Live Chat environment.

As a recruiter for this national transcription service, I am seeking full-and part-time, home-based medical transcriptionists. We are committed to providing a work environment where medical transcriptionists can grow and be respected for the professionals they are.

This is for entry level individuals and if you are not yet qualified, we'll provide tuition FREE training and a personal trainer that you'll need to become qualified. Once you meet our criteria, which will be defined for you before you begin, you will be certified by us as an
accomplished medical transcriptionist and can begin to work for Transam
Associates, Inc. Our special books and software are required.

There's your scam flag right there!!! I googled this, and it seems to be one of the oldest scams, comes through YahooHotJobs so it looks real. Apparently they just keep you in training, don't give you jobs, and you have to buy their software for $500.00, which is just an audio player.


Scam #2:

Hi Elle,
I came across your contact information and I was wondering if you would be interested in looking into an opportunity that we have available in the Travel Industry. This position can be either Full or Part time so keep in mind, even if you are not interested in a full time position this business makes a great “Plan B” source of extra income into your checking account. Income to pay your car payment, electric bill or even your house payment, etc. Position SummaryLeisure Travel Consultant (LTC) Summary:

As a Leisure Travel Consultant you will be in charge of promoting travel packages and travel club memberships. You will work with cruise lines, resorts, and specialty travel packages from around the world. And, you get paid for it!

I believe this one came from HotJobs also (when you post your resume, it's up for grabs for any jack-hole that wants to screw you over, FYI). When I emailed her back asking for more information, and adding the disclaimer that if there is a startup fee I'm not interested, she emailed me and said before she told me anything, I'd have to send my resume and contact information. HELLO, it's on Hotjobs, where you found me. I googled this one, and apparently you get travel at wholesale prices, but you only make money if you recruit people....pyramid style. *sigh*

So, in honor of a new day and a new search with new hopes, today's song of the day is "Sunshine in a Bag" by the Gorillaz. Well, just the first minute or so.

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Sunshine_In_A_Bag/8789003

Searching for Jobs and Chutzpah

So I am in week three of hitting the job application market hard core. I applied to over 20 posts last week alone; of these over 20, I received one actual response, 2 scam attempts (boy those guys at the FTC are actually really nice) and a sea of nothingness.

Last week I talked myself into retail and built up enough convincing chutzpah and excitement to go in to a popular bookstore and apply. Please don't think that I am above retail. I am not above retail. I am just so overqualified for a part time position at the bottom rung of a business at my age (don't say the 3-0 word until I hit it in 2 weeks, deal?) that it was, let's say a big step for me to actually convince myself I could do it again. I walked in to the store, handed my application over to the manager who was shorter than or equal to my 5'1" with a handshake like a rotten fish....at least it would have been if he would have shook my hand, I'm sure of it. He stood there, not looking at it, not looking at me and not saying anything, so I awkwardly told him I had a gift card to spend and would be lingering in the store. He replied that I would get a call that week if they decided to hire me. Apparently my appearance alone is enough to garner a job. Or not. No interview was mentioned. I meandered to the table of "buy 2 get one free" and actually started to put my worry aside as I read the back of books I thought were funny and interesting for my palette. Life is going to be fine. Sure, I can do this job. No problem (this is an inner pep talk for my benefit, because the excitement and chutzpah wear off after 30 minutes, and have to be conjured again). I am reading the back of a novel based on Southern women, knowing this would be fun, and also imagining the pile of books I have at home; the pile from my brother over the years that I JUST told him I was getting through, when (let's call him) Bob walks up to me and starts up a conversation. Bob is pushing his mid sixties, wearing a navy blue suit that doesn't fit well, and sweat is escaping from his receding hair line. Bob used to work here. Bob was a safety officer. Bob comes by and visits the people at this store all the time, because that's the nice thing to do. Bob is a deacon at his church, pentecostal; do I go to church? Bob can't see I'm trying to find 3 good books so I can get a deal. Bob doesn't notice that I. Am. Reading. I start to think; maybe the manager sent Bob to me to test my people skills. I politely listen and fill in just enough of my side of the conversation while trying to ignore him, to which he is oblivious. "I was raised in a Baptist Church." "Actually, Baptists DO believe in the Holy Ghost, Bob." "Yes, a Boyfriend." "No, not JUST a boyfriend." As he continues talking, I find myself thinking 2 things simultaneously.

1.) Oh gosh, I really really really hope this is a ghost, and only I can see him. That would be so much better for my ego right now; why do the crazies always find me?

2.) Oh man. Every time I worked in retail there was that guy who came in, who was just a little off and unemployed (they know they are the PERFECT catch), and he always came in because he knew I would be there at least 20 hours a week and he could follow me around and creep me out. I forgot about that. Sad; this is SO not what I want. And my chutzpah left me.

I decided to go next door to Macy's. It could be fun to be a beauty counter girl. As luck would have it, wandering through the kitchen department, I saw a sign for a human resources department. I took this as a sign that it was meant to be. I walked in confidently, and less repulsed than at the previous location, walked right up to the counter and said (mellifluously, if I do say so myself), "Is Macy's hiring at the moment?" Smile, check. Shoulders back, check. A lovely looking woman walked past and smiled at me. Oh yeah, I could do Macy's. The septuagenarian behind the counter put her hand to her ear and said, "eh?" "Is Macy's hiring right now?" Again, she says, "What?" Chutzpah, don't fail me now! "I'D LIKE TO WORK AT MACY'S, HOW MAY I APPLY?" She smiled, as if that would be the most wonderful thing in the world, me at Macy's. She directed me to a hiring kiosk "down by the elevator," that sadly, didn't exist. Maybe it did in 1967. Don't get the wrong idea. I ADORE the elderly, and have no issue with them working, I have great respect for them. These thoughts come from a frustrated place because I just want a freaking job, ok? And if I'm willing to (in my mind) settle for retail, throw me a bone, ok? This is why people eat whole cartons of ice cream (which I did NOT, by the way....I drank my calories with a Grape Crush over lots of ice).

I wandered back into the bookstore, thinking I would get some beautiful stationery for my friend and I, who, in our dreams of old fashioned lovely things have decided to become pen pals. With paper and stamps and everything. So I thought I would use my gift card to buy us some fun stationery for getting started. I was downstairs when who found me? That's right; Bob the sohisticatedly lacking, socially handicapped, "oh a boyfriend, nothing too serious then," lawsuit-waiting-to-happen Bob. Crap. I immediately went for the escalator, and began walking up the stairs as he called out after me that there was free water upstairs. Oh, wonderful. Let's sit and get to know each other over a free glass of water. I'm still so sure he meant the drinking fountain. Anyway, I walked up the stairs until I subconsciously came into the personal space of Lovely-pink-sweater-lady, who was, in turn, creeped out by me as I tried to make an escape. I left the store, praying he wasn't following me to the parking lot, when I noticed Lovely-pink-sweater-lady thought I was following her, making me...Bob.

So clearly this is all about perspective. I'm a great catch for an employer. I'm never late, I'm uber organized, I love getting stuff done. I've managed people...not just people, college students...I've put college students together on a schedule, while letting them keep their crazy ones. That is not easy, my friend. I can budget. I know all my computer programs. This is nothing that my potential employees can see, at least not in a way that's making perfect strangers want to hire me. I'm Bob to the places to which I've applied. UGH! My perspective (since I choose to refuse the idea that I'm a LOSER) is that it's tough for everyone right now, and like it or not, many companies hire based on referrals from the inside. All my referrals are still at my last job, and I will not be going back there.

The search continues. I'll let you know how it goes. I may end up with Bob after all. But wouldn't it be nice to do something I like? Or at least get full time hours so I can pay the bills? Please don't hate me if I turn down this position (if they even offer it to me). I am a proud person, and even in my destitution, I don't want to settle for a job I don't love. I want to be challenged, I want to be a vital part of a greater team. I want to succeed emotionally, and keep my brain from being able to go on autopilot all the time. I love my brain; I'd like to keep it.