Yesterday I was astutely aware that it was indeed Wednesday. I decided to not let it win. I got up, made myself an amazing lunch (fruit salad and a Black Forest Ham sandwich on whole wheat with horseradish mustard and Muenster cheese), packed it up, and left early for work so I could stop at Sam’s club.
Immediately out of the driveway, I looked both ways to make sure I could cross the intersection at the yield sign. It looked clear. It looked clear, because I did not see the white car in the snow and with the sun in my eyes, zooming toward me. I was sure an accident was imminent. I braked, missed her by about 2 feet, and she decided this was a perfect time to stop her car and scream at me for about 30 seconds, while the guys at the bus stop looked on, amused at the stupid women. I get that it was my fault, but I made the monkey sign, like, “clearly this was my fault, and I’m really sorry” with big hand gestures, and that just wasn’t good enough. So she blocked the intersection and screamed at me, and I went on my way; I may have started to cry. There’s no way to know for sure.
I got to Sam’s, still shaking, parked next to a car that was well in my spot and expected a ding on my door, and loaded up my cart with 9 items. I know this because at Sam’s they count your items and match up your receipt because due to the lack of bagging supplies, they assume you are stealing everything that is loose in your cart. As I was walking up to the counter, a man with one package of butter (one package, at Sam’s Club??) and I let him go first. As it turns out, my single item friend was really there to pay off his entire Sam’s card. He had 7 different checks to accomplish this. And, as luck would have it, the cashier was new. After much debate and conference with his fellow employees, the credit card was paid off. This only took about 10 minutes. I happened to notice (because at Sam’s, all the information comes up on a monitor now, and the buyer is not able to read it, but the rest of the line is) that he paid off $10,772.00. This is exactly, to the dollar, how much debt I have, which I am trying to not have, and on days such as this seems to be ruining my life. I think I actually let out a groan. I mean, what kind of guy actually goes first, then takes 15 minutes? A non chivalrous, boring, middle aged, balding white guy, that's who.
The gentleman then started his transaction for the butter, but could not figure out the card swiping machine, and every time he signed his name, he hit “cancel” instead of “accept.” So that was fun. It was fun 4 times in a row!
I got back in my car, which miraculously did not have a ding in the door (it was probably the single man in front of me), and drove to work. I took the backroads because….well because it was Wednesday, and that’s really all there is to it. As I came up to the building from the back, I went to turn left in to the parking lot. I was stopped with my left blinker on, waiting for the opposing traffic to turn right into the lot. I hear this noise, and think, what is that? I know that noise…it’s a screeching eel from the Princess Bride. They always grow louder when they’re about to feed on human flesh. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw (in slow motion, of course) an old, beat up silver Buick literally careening (yes, carEEning) behind me, about to hit me, but trying to swerve. I floored it and cut off the person turning right, and very very very narrowly avoided getting rear-ended. I did glance up just in time to see him flicking me off, so that was nice. At least I admitted it was my fault when it was. That’s when I parked (I don’t even know where) and called Captain Awesome with one whiney sentence, all screechy and teary: “I (snurgh) hate (snargh) Wednesday!!!” He responded with, “It’s all uphill from here.” Which is very funny if you’ve seen Due Date; Zach Galifinakis says that, and the RDJ corrects him, “Uphill? No it’s all DOWNhill from here.” “But nobody wants to be down, they want to be up…” I cried for a minute or so, then walked inside, ready to tell my fabricated story of how it’s SO cold, my eyes were watery.
I got in the store, and instantly a woman said, “excuse me,” and I thought good gracious, I’m not even on the clock, I still have my coat on, and already bombarded. But, to my surprise, she said, “are you the one who almost got killed by that maniac? You were sitting there for the longest time with your blinker on, and he just came around that corner like a crazy person!!!” Turns out she was the one I cut off, but she didn’t even care. She actually stopped, hoping I’d turn in and not get hit. So that was the best Wednesday in a while.
After I left work, I couldn’t find my car, being so flustered when I parked. I tip-toed across a pool of ice, and stepped over a snow bank to get to it, and as soon as I thought I was in the clear I stepped on another patch of ice and fell. And there were witnesses. “Are you OK?” they asked, “I’m fine. It’s Wednesday, and that’s really all there is to it.”
Since my Wednesdays bring on a case of the Mondays, today's song of the day is:
