I've stayed away from political posts, I've tried to make my facebook page a beacon of light. I see a man putting up a wall on the southern end of our country, when all along, I thought he was afraid of legion Middle Eastern terrorists in planes and cars, not desperate humans in small groups trying to escape death and poverty...on foot. It may as well be isolationist 1916 (or 1961), and I don't know if saying nothing is ok anymore. The power given to hate was instantaneous, and my compassion forces me to feel anxious, as if the rules that govern the people are hollow, and can be so easily changed or ignored. If there is no base mentality for better life for all, what's the moral code for? Can I simply not follow the rules because I don't believe in them? How many people do? But I digress.
I have not seen myself as a feminist. I plod along, trying to bring peace and love. I don't love labels, but yes, I do feel the burn when I pay more for my health insurance despite having no children and no hospital stays, no surgeries, but because I am a woman. I have resentment over the fact that if I put my car in my name and a man's name, I get a better insurance rate because some actuary somewhere decided my sex makes me more of an accident risk, though I've never had one. Maybe I do get paid as much as a man, but my bills are higher as a single female. I have no tax breaks, no piggy back benefits, but big whoop. I have my independence and I enjoy my life. This actually means something to me.
Yesterday I was sent a meme of a perfectly tailored, plumped lip, manicured and hair-styled blonde (suuuure) holding up a sign that says she will not make men the enemy and she will not promote feminism.
I see his perspective; I do. A married man would think we are equal and paid and treated equal, but it felt like he wanted me to say he was the enemy here. I didn't. I realized his perspective, he does not realize mine; that does not make him my enemy. MAYBE men think women hate them because they often tell women to sit down, everything is fine. Resentment builds in a conversation, forget a world history of male dominance. Maybe we are paid the same, but I'm spending more as a single woman and that cannot be denied.
Firstly, in text, asking someone to "please explain" their reasoning and how they came to that conclusion comes off as arrogant and condescending; it shows that one feels above the conversation, above the issue, and above the other person. This is not a mathlete competition.
Secondly, women have to spend so much money to be taken seriously in a workplace, or pretty much anywhere. We have to buy makeup, clothes, shoes, be the right weight, be funny, able to make jokes about other women and we BETTER do our hair with products and colors so that we are taken seriously in a conversation or a job interview. Men can wear slacks and a shirt with 5 o'clock shadow and they are taken seriously. If a woman walked into a job interview (even an internal one for a promotion) without her hair and makeup done, without high heels and in slacks and a shirt, would you hire her? This just seems like headache; like she's probably gay and a protected class and she's going to cause problems for the company in the future; boy doesn't that seem like a lot of work? Plus, we need a face for the business; she's overweight and wearing pants (or flat shoes or her hair is short/not tied up perfectly, etc). This does not just apply to men, women bosses are guilty of these things too, and I've watched over 15 years in the workforce as the same patterns emerge. A guy can come in hungover with an untucked shirt and dirty pants and he can get to work, get promoted, stay mobile. A women comes in because her toddler kept her up and she has "Tired Eyes," which somehow equates to a low work ethic and she can't move up because clearly she doesn't "take care of herself." Feminists buck these kinds of double standards. That's why they are seen as hippies, as women who don't shave, as women who are combative. They want to be seen as the same, but they feel the pressure to be seen as "having it all together all the time" like a soccer mom image from the suburbs. Do not try and tell me they are equal either. At least they have wine (that is a joke). When I see a woman in a photo claiming to be anti feminist (another label!!) looking like a barbie doll in pink, I feel like this point is made.
So when a feminist (since we are SO interested in labels) tries to present herself as she is without spending resources on makeup, hair, shoes, clothes, this season's anything, she is seen as not caring about her appearance, therefore career and she is often looked over. Even if she DOES spend those resources, other women say things like, "oh, those are last season" or "I wish I had your bravery to wear that!" If you think confidence can override this perception, it can't. The employer makes judgements immediately that range from "People of Walmart" to "CEO" based on their image. I'm not saying beauty queens get hired for their looks and are brainless; there are so many brilliant, caring, ethical, capable amazing women who want to contribute to a workplace and a family life, but we don't all have the resources or time to be all nines all the time. And even the smart beauty queen can't come in to work without her makeup done; you all know the comments that would arise.
Thirdly, feminists (there's that word again) don't hate men. OK, some of them do. But a real feminist knows they need men to help create the equality they so terribly desire; to offset the image of double standards. Women can multi task; we love it. This often manifests in us taking on more responsibility than our pay demands, because it stimulates our brain and makes us feel productive. We want to stay busy, show our devotion by acts. This leads to resentment (that we brought on ourselves) because we see others just doing the same minimum and getting regular raises, promotions, results. It also feels like we deserve it more because we can do it, and have been doing it, along with figuring out the copy machine and driving coworkers home, fine tuning presentations, watering the plants, making appointments, taking phone calls, and anything else this looks like. So when it looks like they hate men, more than likely they do not, but once again, the structure has shown that there is no reason to try. But if we don't try, can we live with ourselves? Do we give up like in Atlas Shrugged, and realize that it doesn't matter? Sure. But then, what if we all do? Oh, I know; half the country doesn't vote and we build a literal wall between our neighbors instead of feeding our children or cleaning the water pumped into their houses for drinking and bathing. This is why men think feminists hate them. Women are tired of the same status quo that they watch every day. Women have compassion enough to try and be good humans, in order to stay in their positions if nothing else. Enough to still care for others while allowing themselves to come second. But it becomes combative and improper to try to come first, so a label is made and they get a pat on the head to sit down; "You don't need to act like that, you're trying to get attention." YES. They are the patient in the hospital with the cracked ribs trying to get pain relief, but since the doctor can't "see" the injury and there's nothing to do for it, they're just here for pain pills. YES. They become frustrated for a reason. They become resentful and angry, and it has, at times, been aimed at men in an attempt to get them to help.
So here's an idea; HELP. If a woman acts like she hates a man, it's because she's working toward a goal by herself. Always. At home or at work. It doesn't mean her goal is stupid, it doesn't mean it's not a valid goal. It means she has to navigate around yet another blockade in the hopes of making the whole environment better. FOR EVERYONE. And get a new label instead of changing the meaning of words. Or just stop. Could we stop?
End of speech.
Today's song of the day should come as no surprise. Lyrics: Sit Still, Look Pretty
