Fake it Till You Make it

I started Gym-ming it again (gummi word. I blame the Yoga teacher). I have never given up my membership, even when I was unemployed, because it’s only $20 a month. In the last few months I have been goading myself to get there because I found an insurance plan that pays $20 a month towards a gym membership if you go 12 times in that month. This seemed reasonable to me until my boss, a fit, athletic Amazon, said “Oof! That’s three times a week!” If SHE thinks that’s excessive….oh lordy. Suddenly this reasonable request started to lay bricks on my motivation, and built a wall 5 feet high of self doubt. Then the brick layers went to lunch; like a French lunch. I’m pretty sure they “lunched” 4 hours (in dream time….have you seen inception? That’s like 2 months) and got drunk. Then they returned, saw the wall, deemed it ugly, and went off to do French things. Yep, pretty sure that’s what happened. Very sensitive artist-y, my motivational brick layers.

The funny thing about the gym is that every morning you jump out of bed, like it's Christmas. You come running downstairs and ask the scale, "Am I skinny yet?" It can be very disappointing. But it's not all bad, and you have to remind yourself why you're doing it, blah blah blah. :)

Anyway, like any lame New Years Resolver, (to my credit, I never actually RESOLVED to go to the gym for New Year’s, it just happened to coincide with a particularly unflattering picture of myself), I started back at the Gym in January. I thought, “If I start early, I can get 12 sessions in,” and I went. I walked the treadmill to music on my iPod. I thought, “Everyone is looking at me,” and then, in style typical of me, I started thinking about whether or not that was true. Here’s my theory on gawking at the gym:

You can give yourself any reason not to go; I for one can talk myself out of almost anything. The worries are always the same: What if I only spend 10 minutes on the treadmill? People will think I’m lazy. What if people look at me? Am I cute enough to get hit on by that one guy who spends 8 hours a day on the weight machines, trolling for chics? What if my clothes make me look fat?

Good questions, all, and likely to keep you at home. I opted to put on my tightest clothes, fake my confidence, and go anyway. I have this athletic shirt that is kind of huggy, but promises to “wisk away moisture,” and as you likely have guessed, have never worn it. I have this philosophy about bolstering self confidence; it’s basically a “Fake it Till You Make it” idea, and it works…mostly. So I went. I tied my iPod to my arm, and I climbed on the treadmill. These can get VERY fancy, by the way. I figured it out, put on my music and did my thing. And yes, I looked around. Nobody was looking at me, I was the only looker. I started worrying about my time on the treadmill (there were 2 highschool girls on the treadmill in front of me, running. I started worrying about my speed. Then I realized (or convinced myself) that everyone there was really only worried about themselves, just like me. And I saw people do circuits; 10 minutes on each machine, and I realized nobody was really paying attention to me at all, and people come and go. My confidence started to become real until I felt my shirt start to creep up my back, and I spent a good 8 minutes tugging it back down. Now I go, and I ride the stationary bike (this is really fancy too; I just set how long I want to go, what level, and then hit “surprise me” for the route. I actually enjoy this, and can read at the same time), then I swim for a while, and I’m getting a routine down.

I have always wanted to do a yoga class, and I’ve done it at home, but it was some sort of milestone to do it in a class with people. I so wanted to do this, and was so resolved, that right before the brick layers started to pile on stones, I told my bosses I needed Wednesday nights off for Yoga. And I really wanted to go. I finally did, yesterday. I had a decent amount of confidence, as I know many of the poses by name, and did not think I would fall behind. Besides, I’d been singing “I have confidence in Sunshine” all the way to the gym, but this may have been because it was 20 below zero, and I was being optimistic. So I get there 20 minutes early, assured that I don’t have to bring a mat, and I’m excited, because Yoga is about connecting the mind to the body through breath, and focusing on the transitions between poses. It’s relaxing but taxing, as I like to say, because the pose may not be that hard, but hold it for 20 breaths, and you’ll feel uncomfortable. Get to know your discomfort! J I know a few of things about Yoga: 1.) If it hurts, you need to find a modification so it doesn’t. 2.) Moves like the Plow can kill you if you do them wrong, and should be supervised closely, so you don’t snap your neck while your feet are over your head. 3.) Yoga is meant to calm the body and the mind to focus on your next tasks, with a team of mind and body calmly floating through the world, ready to deal with anything (even MN drivers, which is another blog entirely).

So I get to the class 5 minutes early, and there are already territorial issues. People want their mats far enough apart so they don’t hit each other with a wayward warrior pose, but there’s not a lot of room to fit in. So in Fake it Till You Make it style, I ask, “is it ok if I scoot in between you two?” and they both move 2 inches to let me in. That was nice. The teacher starts, and says how important it is to breathe, my breath should be the most interesting thing in the room, etc. We take deep breaths, get started to Enya, and begin. She doesn’t do any poses herself, she walks in between all of us like a severe school teacher, yelling out poses so quickly, that there is no time to transition into one before she is two ahead of you, let alone breathe correctly. I imagined that she had a whipping stick she was slapping into her palm, but I am pretty sure she didn’t….pretty sure. Oxygen deprivation can do interesting things to memories. Calm area CRASHED. She slows down a bit, and we start to get in line again, and I am excited, because I know the poses she’s calling (which is good, cause she explained exactly NOTHING about how to do them), except a couple, and I look around to see what they look like, and people are doing different things, because clearly they don’t know either. I get a sharp look for looking around (not ONCE did this lady say to anyone, “Nice job,” “that’s it” or anything of the sort), and I’m having a really hard time finding a calm center. Every time I start to come back to center, something happens. A knock on the door, then my teacher (who STILL has us holding in chair pose), says very snappily, “I can only take one of you, I’m full. Class started SEVEN minutes ago.” She wants to sit and argue while we’re balancing, trying to find a peaceful center. The music changes to the local pop station instead of something that is conducive to yoga. Something wrong here?

A few of the poses are particularly painful in my hips, specifically the right side. I modify them. I get a look. LOOK lady, I’m not killing myself to be YOUR star pupil, ok? Then she starts throwing in extras for the people who have been her student for a while; “Option to go into bird of paradise. Option to raise that left leg,” and it’s clear it’s not for our benefit; she’s trying to place us in order of advancement (Which is SO not yogi material). Then, just for laughs, she tells us to transition in to PLOW. With no insight on modifications, nothing. People do it. They’re falling, they’re whimpering because it hurts, and I…well I refused, frankly. I’m not breaking my neck over this, and I’ve got neck issues; I’m a terrible candidate for plow, as are the ladies on either side of me, easily in their 80s. I did another pose, in similar form, so as not to draw attention to myself.

I kept thinking, “just get through the hour, you’ll be happier and feel better,” but I didn’t. I mean, I got through the hour, but I can’t say it was worth it. Then this nice lady comes up to me after, and tells me that if I’m going to use the gym mats, I should use 2, because they are very thin. And if I have one, it’d be better, because they smell, and people snot on them, and they don’t get cleaned very often. Also, I should come ½ hour early on Saturdays, and put my mat down, then go do my circuit, because they fight over real estate in there.

So there it is. My first experience in a yoga class, and I can NOT resign myself that it was normal. I don’t have any respect for this “yogi,” who said she wouldn’t do any poses because a couple of days ago she was doing Crow Pose and kneed herself in the eye, making it black (it wasn’t black). She did do a couple after class when her star pupils talked about themselves; she had to get the attention back so she did a couple to show them how it should be. I’m a bit sore today, but not at all calm. Just irritated. It’s like going to a spa and they play heavy metal music through your massage.

And what is confidence in sunshine anyway?