Here's the travesty (photo) of the day: I went into a store last week, on September 24th, and this picture is what I saw. I then found out they've been there for more than a week! That's just sad. No Halloween, no Thanksgiving. Christmas in a recession, starts at Labor Day. Smart.
I feel more and more like we need to get out of this place. My boyfriend's job is getting more and more frustrating. He has an injury that he got on the job, but is still working everyday and overtime. And all his coworkers and bosses do is complain and demand more than they did before the injury. No clue how much money he is saving them, no idea how hard he's trying to keep things "normal" for them, while he is in so much pain. It's like they went on a mission to try and make him quit, because they know he has to be fired over his injury in order to get Comp benefits. The man is in so much pain, and all he gets is complaints and demands. And now he gets disciplined for every little thing also. You can see the company building a case against him. Nice. Good work environment. It's so hard to watch him go through this every day. I just pray for a new situation in life, a chance to leave this one and go somewhere else. And healing, and wisdom, and peace. Life is just hard right now. I look forward to the day when the people complaining actually have to get off their butt, put down their joints and do something, because he does it all, and he pretty much does it for me, for which I am trying to not feel guilty. It adds to the worry that I've been feeling. He's amazing.
Having said that, in many ways life is good. I've gone from helplessly looking for work to helplessly watching him get trampled and abused. I'm a helpless creature, and it's probably better if I know that. I went to Grace Church last week (if you get irritated by peoples' faith, look away now), and the message was all in Colossians 1, where it talks about identity. How people go to church and are nice to other people because they think it will win them brownie points when they die, and how many of the religions of the world are based on human teachers who teach this. I agree, loving your fellow man and living a nice life are important, but at the end of the day, it doesn't earn you anything. All it does is give you, as the tryer, peace of mind, which seems selfish and not self denying at all. Religion is all about advice. Do this, don't do that. I've learned I cannot give advice and change someone; I can't even change myself. This leads to toleration of others' faults. The professor teaching made an interesting comment. He said advice doesn't help, even if it's nice. If you're drowning in credit card debt, and your friends say, "just get a job that pays a million dollars a year," that is not very helpful. I think toleration is good, but I wonder if I love them.
I don't love my neighbors. My actual physical neighbors. Even now, my couch is shaking with their children running through the house on these crappy support beams that resonate on either side. The screamer is at it again, because it is almost dinner time, and the children are impatient. I have been thinking about the idea of loving your neighbor this week. This is the sick sense of humor that God has; love your neighbor, but you can't pick them. Love whoever I put next to you, whether they love and respect you or not. Crap. Crap crap crap. Why? Why can't I say, "I love you" to whomever is there (someone check my grammar there)? Why does it have to be the next person, who is so seemingly horrid to humanity? I heard that love is wanting the absolute best for someone else. No, I don't do this. I wait for the day where they will have to face the way they live, all the while ignoring my own faults. Same thing on the road, I want to see the jerks who cut me off crash, and that's not wanting the best for them. There has to be a middle of the road, where I don't make excuses for their bad behavior, I don't wish them ill, and it doesn't feel like a free pass for someone to walk all over me. I have this saying, when people are jerks in stores or on the road. I look at my cohort and say, "they are more important than we." It seems to be the obvious statement they want to make.
I am glad to be working with my hands, even if it is an easy job and it's not quite making the bills. It's close. I enjoy the customers, I joke around with them, and my coworkers are wonderful. Today I was told that I should leave all 5 gallon drums, and let the guys do it. What gentlemen. Works out for me. I have earned the nickname "Crash," after my run-in with my cohort in a previous post. I wish I could say things are getting less embarrassing, but being a klutz and carrying a box cutter is just an invitation to hilarity. Luckily, I've only cut myself and only once. Today I had to unload a dog house for a large dog. As anyone else would do, I tried to put it on my head and carry it over that way, like those women in Africa. It fell and messed up my hair, but luckily no one was hurt and it didn't break. Also, I made my first disaster today, moving the wrong boxes, and causing an avalanche. Good times. Good times. If you're good at Jenga, send some pointers my way. :) Letting the customers in at 6:30 is a bit unfair, though, when I have Irish pub songs in my head and don't know where everything is. My manager is nice, and also newer to the department. She brings in donuts and runs to McDonald's. Soon I will stop accepting her generous offers in the name of weight loss, but she's nice and helpful. She clearly doesn't understand what I'm doing there; not that I do either.
I am on this journey whether I like it or not, and I simply can't afford to be "destination" oriented, when my journey could mean so much. I am happy to work, I wait for something beautiful, and I need to start paying attention to my travel. I get so frustrated with others, who complain about their jobs, and they HAVE a job. I get frustrated with people turning down good work because it is beneath them or they don't want to negotiate a schedule, so they let it go. I get frustrated with people who owe me money and have a nice job, but spend all their money on some weekend trip or coffee and meals, because they don't want to cook for themselves or plan, or pay back what they owe. These things irritate me (as do Rooster decorations, Red pickups and Audi drivers). But my life is good. I have a home, I am fed, I have a really nice boyfriend (case in point: I wanted to try this new orange toothpaste, so he bought it. And I hated it. And he never said a word, but has been using that nasty toothpaste, even though he bought a new tube for me. That's a nice guy.) I'm 30, I view work as a means to live my life, and I want out of debt. I think that's healthy. It's time to make my "To do by 31" list. I think for my next birthday, I'm going to hire a Jack Sparrow impersonator, I'm going to either pull this tooth or fix it, and I really want my SCUBA certification. Now I just need to find 1500 bucks for all that. 500 if I just pull the tooth. :) Hmmm, and I need $2000 to finish my associates degree. I'm trying not to be greedy, but I want my bachelors. But that is only to make me feel good about myself, and that makes school my religion, and I don't want that. :)
I want another perspective, you know? One that seems so impossible, but isn't. Like in Colossians, when Paul tells the Greeks how Christ is different from the Greek gods. These people were terrified of their gods, their gods broke their own rules, came down to earth whenever they wanted on benders. Paul comes swooping in and says, "this guy isn't like that. He's the lifeguard, and he holds on to you." It's like me telling you that New Yorkers are laid back people who just like to sit at the beach and hang 10; it goes against everything you know about them, and it takes a lot to accept. Perspective is funny. I could be mad right now, but you wouldn't know because I'm typing and you can't hear me or see my handwriting get sloppier. I could walk in as someone walks out, and they might not even see me, but I could spend the day worrying about whether I did something wrong to them (annoying side note, I also dislike when people don't use the "g" on words, like "somethine"...that drives me CRAZY, but I also don't like to hear the "g" at the end of the word, like "songch." And there is an insight into my crazy...have fun with that).
Anyway, I am sure there is more to come, and I am sure you've enjoyed reading about all the things that irritate me, but my life is good, there is a hope to it that many don't have. I don't feel empty, as is easy to do when freaking out. I have authentic friends and loving family. I sit in this storm with all sorts of uncertainty, and I feel fine. No worries. I LOVE no worries. I am still waiting for something to happen that will make things more enjoyable. I have faith that something will. I think more and more about starting my own business, but I have a tough time. I know I could do it, but I don't know the direction to take. Not to sound like I'm adding external stuff into my life to improve it, but how great would it be to have my own business, and then the guy could quit and I could be working towards something for me? Dreams dreams dreams...
Today's song of the Day is a song i LOVE. I've been playing it all week. It's always cued up.
Need to Breathe: Something Beautiful
Need to Breathe: Something Beautiful
It doesn't seem to be on Grooveshark yet. So if you go to their myspace page, scroll down and click on "something Beautiful"....it's so amazing. It's all I've been thinking about all week.
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