So I haven't written in a while. This has come to my attention by various readers of my blog, some of whom I did not know exist. While I have been busy and falling into new routines, I still love to write, and miss telling you stupid stories about what I am up to. Not that it's all about me...but it is in here, actually.
So this week I started swimming again. I love to swim. To feel light and airy, to watch the waves break before you, to move along silently while under the water everything is moving. I used to swim all the time. Yesterday during my laps I remembered the summer I learned how to swim at Interlochen Arts Camp, under the tutelage of Twink, a lovely woman that is no longer with us. At Interlochen there were 2 places to swim. Safe in the shallow area and out past the buoys, where I was certain life was terrifying. You had to take a 15 minute swim test just to go out past the line of buoys. In my 5 year old head it was another world. If I have a regret about this, it is that I never, not once, took the 15 minute swim test to see if I could do it (to be fair, I thought if I tread water for 15 minutes, I would be too tired to swim back in, and I would drown). But I digress. One day, Twink took us all out to the raft to test our skills in swimming. We had to jump off the raft and swim about 8 feet to her, waiting with her arms open to catch us. I was the last one in. I climbed off the raft backwards, and turned around in the water. I ducked underwater and swam to Twink, looking for her suit in the water. What I actually saw was murky water with algae growing from the bottom, but I remember so clearly in my mind how it looked like an aquarium; coral and tropical fish, sunlight cutting through all the clear blue water to highlight an anemone. I will never know why I remember it that way, but I do. Anyway, due to the murky water, I couldn't make out Twink's form, until I ran into her bosom, floating out halfway of the suit, which DID look like an aquarium. She was so proud of me, and I was so proud of myself, but that was the last time I was out that deep in that lake.
These thoughts came to me yesterday as I was swimming the length of the pool at the gym, using the breast stroke and chasing the ripple in front of me. It was so Zen to make the ripple, see the ripple, chase the ripple. I just focused on that, and I never needed a break.
My first return trip to the pool was not so lovely. Tuesday I decided that I was going to go to the pool, no excuses. I packed a gym bag and put my suit on under my clothes so there would be no drawn out preparation that could deter me. Funny how something like this can make it feel like junior high all over again. I checked in and took look at the pool; full. Ugh! I will still do this, it may be less busy by the time I get out, I told myself. If I walk out now, everyone on the ellipticals will see that I checked in and walked out. I walked into the locker room and didn't know where to sit. I chose a place and took off my shoes, socks and pants. Then I sat down and stared into space as the motivation conversation began in my head like the angel and devil that sit on your shoulders (you know the ones): oh no. I didn't shave. I can't go in the pool. And my skin is so dry, what is chlorine going to do to my skin? I can't do this. I don't have a swim cap, my hair is going to turn green. I should really go. Then the other side started to state its case: You're already here. Your suit is on. No one will notice your legs. You will feel so much better when you are done. You love the water. You're going snorkeling in 17 days, you really need to be able to stay in the water. You'll never be ready if you don't take the first step... on and on they went while I sat in my shirt and stared off to the right. After about 7 minutes of this, I looked up and saw the same look on the face of the woman sitting across from me, clearly having a similar conversation in her head, but in Hmong. We both sat there, unmoving in our swim suits, staring, clearly terrified of taking off that shirt. It was then that I went to autopilot and stood up, taking my shirt off and heading to the showers. I dug deep to find that confidence problem I have, in that I am OK with myself on most occasions. Fake it til it's true, right?
I came out of the shower and saw that she was also coming out of the shower, and I followed her to the pool door. She went out and immediately turned around to go back inside the locker room, passing me on her way back in. I stopped and turned around as she turned to give me a helpless look. I squared my shoulders and said, "can we do this?" and she straightened up her back and said hesitantly, "yes," and then disappeared back into the locker room. I got in the pool, which was not much less crowded, but worked out OK with 2 older men power walking and talking about their Bose radios and some converter to record DVD movies onto VHS (What???? WHY?). A lane opened up, and I left it open, hoping my commiserate would see it and come out. After about 5 minutes, she did. She swam to the other end of the pool and stood in the corner in the sun doing stretches and kicking up water. In an odd way it motivated me to just keep moving. I only spent a half hour in the pool, but I kept moving. It didn't really seem odd to me until I told my friend about it and she found it fascinating! :P
So, I went back on Friday, after calling my friend and asking her to remind me that I was NOT, in fact, too tired to go to the gym, and how great I'd feel after (and I did). The scale said I was down 2 pounds from Tuesday, but I don't believe it. I don't know how it could lie, but it is.
So, today's song of the day is twofold;
This song because it was on at the gym, and I just really like to move to it. But it's not how I'm feeling, I just love the beat.
But, in honor of my lame attitude I have about myself, and the stupid extent to which I need to motivate myself, today's song is:
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