So I am in week three of hitting the job application market hard core. I applied to over 20 posts last week alone; of these over 20, I received one actual response, 2 scam attempts (boy those guys at the FTC are actually really nice) and a sea of nothingness.
Last week I talked myself into retail and built up enough convincing chutzpah and excitement to go in to a popular bookstore and apply. Please don't think that I am above retail. I am not above retail. I am just so overqualified for a part time position at the bottom rung of a business at my age (don't say the 3-0 word until I hit it in 2 weeks, deal?) that it was, let's say a big step for me to actually convince myself I could do it again. I walked in to the store, handed my application over to the manager who was shorter than or equal to my 5'1" with a handshake like a rotten fish....at least it would have been if he would have shook my hand, I'm sure of it. He stood there, not looking at it, not looking at me and not saying anything, so I awkwardly told him I had a gift card to spend and would be lingering in the store. He replied that I would get a call that week if they decided to hire me. Apparently my appearance alone is enough to garner a job. Or not. No interview was mentioned. I meandered to the table of "buy 2 get one free" and actually started to put my worry aside as I read the back of books I thought were funny and interesting for my palette. Life is going to be fine. Sure, I can do this job. No problem (this is an inner pep talk for my benefit, because the excitement and chutzpah wear off after 30 minutes, and have to be conjured again). I am reading the back of a novel based on Southern women, knowing this would be fun, and also imagining the pile of books I have at home; the pile from my brother over the years that I JUST told him I was getting through, when (let's call him) Bob walks up to me and starts up a conversation. Bob is pushing his mid sixties, wearing a navy blue suit that doesn't fit well, and sweat is escaping from his receding hair line. Bob used to work here. Bob was a safety officer. Bob comes by and visits the people at this store all the time, because that's the nice thing to do. Bob is a deacon at his church, pentecostal; do I go to church? Bob can't see I'm trying to find 3 good books so I can get a deal. Bob doesn't notice that I. Am. Reading. I start to think; maybe the manager sent Bob to me to test my people skills. I politely listen and fill in just enough of my side of the conversation while trying to ignore him, to which he is oblivious. "I was raised in a Baptist Church." "Actually, Baptists DO believe in the Holy Ghost, Bob." "Yes, a Boyfriend." "No, not JUST a boyfriend." As he continues talking, I find myself thinking 2 things simultaneously.
1.) Oh gosh, I really really really hope this is a ghost, and only I can see him. That would be so much better for my ego right now; why do the crazies always find me?
2.) Oh man. Every time I worked in retail there was that guy who came in, who was just a little off and unemployed (they know they are the PERFECT catch), and he always came in because he knew I would be there at least 20 hours a week and he could follow me around and creep me out. I forgot about that. Sad; this is SO not what I want. And my chutzpah left me.
I decided to go next door to Macy's. It could be fun to be a beauty counter girl. As luck would have it, wandering through the kitchen department, I saw a sign for a human resources department. I took this as a sign that it was meant to be. I walked in confidently, and less repulsed than at the previous location, walked right up to the counter and said (mellifluously, if I do say so myself), "Is Macy's hiring at the moment?" Smile, check. Shoulders back, check. A lovely looking woman walked past and smiled at me. Oh yeah, I could do Macy's. The septuagenarian behind the counter put her hand to her ear and said, "eh?" "Is Macy's hiring right now?" Again, she says, "What?" Chutzpah, don't fail me now! "I'D LIKE TO WORK AT MACY'S, HOW MAY I APPLY?" She smiled, as if that would be the most wonderful thing in the world, me at Macy's. She directed me to a hiring kiosk "down by the elevator," that sadly, didn't exist. Maybe it did in 1967. Don't get the wrong idea. I ADORE the elderly, and have no issue with them working, I have great respect for them. These thoughts come from a frustrated place because I just want a freaking job, ok? And if I'm willing to (in my mind) settle for retail, throw me a bone, ok? This is why people eat whole cartons of ice cream (which I did NOT, by the way....I drank my calories with a Grape Crush over lots of ice).
I wandered back into the bookstore, thinking I would get some beautiful stationery for my friend and I, who, in our dreams of old fashioned lovely things have decided to become pen pals. With paper and stamps and everything. So I thought I would use my gift card to buy us some fun stationery for getting started. I was downstairs when who found me? That's right; Bob the sohisticatedly lacking, socially handicapped, "oh a boyfriend, nothing too serious then," lawsuit-waiting-to-happen Bob. Crap. I immediately went for the escalator, and began walking up the stairs as he called out after me that there was free water upstairs. Oh, wonderful. Let's sit and get to know each other over a free glass of water. I'm still so sure he meant the drinking fountain. Anyway, I walked up the stairs until I subconsciously came into the personal space of Lovely-pink-sweater-lady, who was, in turn, creeped out by me as I tried to make an escape. I left the store, praying he wasn't following me to the parking lot, when I noticed Lovely-pink-sweater-lady thought I was following her, making me...Bob.
So clearly this is all about perspective. I'm a great catch for an employer. I'm never late, I'm uber organized, I love getting stuff done. I've managed people...not just people, college students...I've put college students together on a schedule, while letting them keep their crazy ones. That is not easy, my friend. I can budget. I know all my computer programs. This is nothing that my potential employees can see, at least not in a way that's making perfect strangers want to hire me. I'm Bob to the places to which I've applied. UGH! My perspective (since I choose to refuse the idea that I'm a LOSER) is that it's tough for everyone right now, and like it or not, many companies hire based on referrals from the inside. All my referrals are still at my last job, and I will not be going back there.
The search continues. I'll let you know how it goes. I may end up with Bob after all. But wouldn't it be nice to do something I like? Or at least get full time hours so I can pay the bills? Please don't hate me if I turn down this position (if they even offer it to me). I am a proud person, and even in my destitution, I don't want to settle for a job I don't love. I want to be challenged, I want to be a vital part of a greater team. I want to succeed emotionally, and keep my brain from being able to go on autopilot all the time. I love my brain; I'd like to keep it.
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