Black Friday. What a name. Who came up with this name? It sounds like the start to the next great depression. Black Friday is an excuse for retailers to make money hand over fist by offering lower prices and opening their doors at ridiculous hours the day after Thanksgiving, hoping to lure in the turkey-ridden, dopamine infested public. If they did that every day, sales would be more level, people could shop around their work schedules, and nobody would die. I'm just saying.
I had the pleasure of working my first retail Black Friday since 2002 this year. I actually don't even remember working Black Friday in 2002, so perhaps it is my first retail Black Friday ever. It was a real adventure this year. Our store, thankfully opened at 6, rather than the insane 3, 4 or 5am that other stores offered. I arrived at 4:45, knowing that if I showed up after 5:30 I would not be allowed in until after the 5 hour sale (which may be a blessing, except for the suspension that would follow). I parked in the employee lot, 40 acres away from the front door and trudged toward the side door. How amazed was I to see the lot already half full? Cars running with (mostly) women drinking hot chocolate, and even a devout 45 or so people sitting outside the doors in their foldable lounge chairs, wrapped up in blankets and hats (no doubt things they were planning to buy)? Right before I got to the door, they all started to get up. Right. Then I saw that I was actually supposed to go into another door, farther down with a guard and a deadbolt. Hallelujah! That was close. So I go inside, put up balloons, and wander the store, seeing where all the "hot" items have been stocked. About 5:30, a woman comes up to the guarded door, pleading with the guard to let her in because her daughter needs to go to the bathroom. She is persuasive enough (hint: she told the guard that the girl would pee on the ground and he would have to clean it up...classy, huh?) that they were let in. The woman immediately abandoned her child and filled her arms with Holiday items. We didn't even have the cash registers on or cashiers to ring her up, I don't know what she was thinking. They were again kicked out, and lost their place in "line," I can only guess. So we continue to prepare, the lot continues to fill, people parking on the grass, on the street, at the gas station a quarter mile away. Our parking lot is set up poorly anyway, in a triangle shape where blind sides abound, and merging doesn't go well. This day people were actually parking so as to lock people in. The logic in that I am still trying to find.
At 5 minutes to 6, we were told to stand in the main aisle, so as to help guests as needed. Stand and point. Don't point. Stand and direct. For 5 hours. So we all took to our stations and waited. When the doors opened, the scene was epic. Like any country invaded by Hannibal, soldiers standing steady, watching the tide of running soldiers advance, complete with elephants in their pajamas and bedhead, who clearly didn't have time to stop and put on their bras. The earth shook, and as they all ran into the store, 98% of them turned left, and raided the Snuggies. Yes, yes, the item of choice after waiting outside for over an hour, is the Snuggie, a fleece blanket with arms. People loaded up their carts with Snuggies overflowing, and ran to the checkout. The first hour, there were no empty carts in the store (not even drywall carts) and the line reached to the back of the store for the checkout. No one thought to go outside to the garden center, where the cashiers sat lonely, drinking cocoa and no doubt laughing at the scene. For 5 hours, I stood and pointed the mass of people that blocked the aisles, items literally flying off the shelves. Pallet after pallet emptying and being removed. I marveled at the year. How all year people have been cutting back on everything because of the economy, and yet, they still find money to spend for Christmas. One by one, the radio sang out the next item that was sold out, so that we could update our ads. "2 foot summer sausages. Large Pet Beds. Wii Sports bundles. Fountains. Coffee Makers. Bakeware." Not that it helped. We ended up saying, "if there are any, they are over there..." etc. And that lady in the gray pajamas with no bra is just SO sure that there are a few in the back. Well, there aren't.
5 hours after opening, the store was back to normal; all the seasonal items gone, back to home improvement. The poor contractors that came in to do their normal business had a tough time. I sent them all up to the Garden Center for quick checkout, after a few jokes about "regular shopping" on a day like this. Most of the customers were funny, at least the men, who were no doubt dragged out by their wives, some of them with their mouths hanging open, following like a slow zombie. Some would try to make small talk while their wives careened through the aisles, leaving their cart behind. "Who got to stay home today?" They would ask. Noone. Everyone works today. This is the Holy Grail, buddy. This is where we get to show the economy we can survive, for a day. Whenever 2 people would go by, each with ShopVacs in their carts, I'd do a play by play, as if it were ShopVac Races. Only a few thought it was funny. Wit goes by the wayside when commerce is on the line.
So, I survived. My best friend came in to see me, and thankfully took me out to lunch. I was really hungry, but I was not about to go move my car just to come back! No way. People were parking on the sidewalk in front of the door. The cops were called more than once. It. Was. Chaos. I left after 8 hours, doing the bare minimum, out of exhaustion, and went home, took a nap, and went out for dinner, where I told of my exploits to the people who are not brave enough to go out on this, the holiest of shopping days. And yes, I was asleep by 8. I missed Monk. Again. :)
To my fellow compatriots in the Retail Biz, I salute you, battle well fought. Here is a photo so that the rest of you can understand just how it is, and how we get a front row seat to the freak show. And how suddenly popular and needed we are :)
Today's Song of the Day is:
Crazy Frog, Crazy Jodeling http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Crazy_Jodeling/1165386
Because, while I am completely excited about Christmas, I am finding much more joy in the Hope of the real Christmas. And this is the perfect soundtrack to Black Friday...especially the "bam bam"s that are randomly thrown in.
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