One day, not too long ago, I was sailing the sea of status updates on that ever-ridiculous, but seemingly necessary Facebook. After 3 pages of farmville updates from friends that I no longer talk to because of Farmville, I saw this random post, almost shoved in the middle of a barn raising and a lost manta ray in Seaville (the villes are getting out of control, people). It was from my friend in Georgia, and it said simply,
"Anger always comes from frustrated expectations. -Elliot Larson."
Since that day, that phrase has subtly stalked me, popping up and teasing me, like a snack I know I don't need, and I'm not particularly hungry, but is something I can chew. I pull up in my mind a time when I was angry, justified or not, and I find this to be true. Whenever I am angry, I am angry because of my frustration that reality doesn't look like the picture in my head. To be fair, I think the picture in my head is always the ideal; such as last week when I came home from work and Captain Awesome had planted the garden, not everything was in the pot I wanted, blooming. How silly; they are seeds, I can move them when they bloom, which some are already doing! But I digress.
Even when anger is justified, I think it comes from the same place. When someone turns their back on you, humiliates you, disappoints you, it's because of this picture in your head that you expected. You expected them to be a better person, you thought they really loved you for yourself, you expected them not to be so selfish or untrue. All of these things lead to anger (they also lead to sloth, depression, overeating, and lots of other things that will keep you on your couch for days...not that I know, or anything!). When Christ lost his temper in the temple, He expected the religious leaders to be generous and to follow the spirit of the law, not use it as a power tool over others, and He was angry. Why wouldn't He be? He expected better. Just like (on a MUCH smaller scale, not even comparable), I expected better yesterday when I walked in to a massive mess in my storage area that took me a while to clean up. I was angry, and I was right to be angry, but all that could really be done about it was to clean it up. My expectation was frustrated. I did clean it up and received commendation from my boss. Woot. :)
I started this blog out of my frustrated expectations; I expected I could walk into a job last year, and put it off. Then I needed a job, expected to get one easily, couldn't, and continually freaked out. I expected that my experience, perception and people skills would help me. They might have, if I could have even gotten interviews. I expected that I was more than a resume. I wasn't. Oh well, ce'st la vie. Incidentally, my pastor is looking for these stupid types of coping/anti-stress phrases...there's one (also acceptable: It is what it is, it's all good...).
I don't know the answer to this. Logic would say, "don't expect anything." How do I not expect things? I'm a planner. I can't even half-expect, because you do or you don't, it's like if you like curry or not. There's no middle ground there. Imagination, the unreasonable force behind everything good, also leads you believe that your life is going to be everything you wanted when you were 10. It leads you to believe when you're happy it will stay that way, when you're sad, it will pass. That is why there are mid-life crises, identity losses, and people who run away from their families and responsibilities; in their anger over their frustrated expectations, they leave for something better; no doubt something they have in their mind, an expectation. How's that work for y'all? I mean, no wonder people say things like, "he's a sensitive artist-type." Likely they can't make the picture on the easel look like the one in their head.
I don't know how I got on this, but there it is. I think that statement is a true one, and I have been trying to keep it in my head so as to not overreact or to keep a little logic. I'd love to know what you think.
Today's song of the day is a repeat from November. Sorry, I will think of another, but for now,
Wow, interesting thoughts. After thinking on it I, too, agree with the saying.
ReplyDeleteHigh expectations of an event or a person’s behavior can be way off from reality and certainly lead to frustrated expectations. Not that I expect grand things from every event or person. It’s not wrong to want an event to go smoothly and be enjoyable, although over the years I have learned to expect a lot less than I used to and to not let the disappointment direct my emotions too much. I can’t help some of it, for some of it is part of my genetic or learned make-up. And, goodness, when a person gets to a point of not caring about someone else or someone else’s feelings to where they do not control their own actions or use their actions, attitudes and words to destroy or hurt, well… we may look at them as very sad people. We may even understand that they hurt others because they are hurting, but that doesn’t make our journey to recover from their actions, words or attitudes any easier.
People hurt and are destructive towards others because they hurt, or because they are self- center. Some are in positions of authority over us and they abuse the authority. It still becomes our journey; a journey to find a positive through the hurt, disappointment or mess and this can take hours, days, months, years. Depending on how much power we want to give it over our lives.
Do we end up better people because of our frustrated expectations? Yes and no. I think we can, if we are willing, learn something from it. Within the wisdom we learn I believe also comes a level of cynicism and trust issues. Boundaries are set and others pay for the damage we have incurred from careless & selfish individuals, or disappointment from events when have worked hard to create an certain “atmosphere” and just plain things that life throws at us. We learn to control our world and who or what we let in, in a desperate act of self preservation where as much as is possible.
Can we really go through life with no expectations? I don’t think so. So we are left to deal with the mix of disappointments when events or people’s behavior fall below our expectations or when life throws us a curve, and joy when our expectations are exceeded and then there are the everyday, mundane, middle- of- the- road stuff that doesn’t really affect us much, but what can you learn from those?
"Sure the world breeds monsters, but kindness grows just as wild..."
ReplyDelete— Mary Karr (The Liars Club)
I have a quote for you from Mary Karr, memoirist. She was at the Opera House in Traverse City this past week. Her background of her growing up years is much like mine, only I think she exceeded mine a level. At least her mom had a sense of humor. She is a great writer, very crass in her language, very real in her expression. I think you would enjoy her writings. Start with the “Liars Club”.
ReplyDeleteHer mom said to her once, “ I may be 90% responsible for the crap in your life, but you are 100% responsible for fixing it” . Or at least this is really close. It made me laugh and it is really true!
I think I agree with you, too. Just in the past 5 minutes, I've been trying to recall memorable moments of anger, and you're right - they usually were "broken" expectations. I don't think the answer can be "don't have expectations" (as you already astutely pointed out). I remember having a conversation with a classmate who claimed he just didn't have any and life was better off for him. I disagree. If I didn't set expectations for my students, for example, they'd have 0 reason or motivation to rise to their potential. No, expectations are good. They're necessary. If they come out of our imagination, then they're part of God's creation. The question is just how we'll react when they're not met. Thanks for the food for thought!
ReplyDelete