"You really shouldn't be worrying about this. It's in the bag. They're not calling because they're busy, because they need you." My boyfriend reassures me as he walks out the door back to work. I'm a professional worrier. I didn't use to be. It's been a week, and my "sure thing" has not called. True, there was a holiday in there, and a weekend. I'm just anxious to be doing something with my hands. I've been enjoying writing, and I think I'll keep it up, but I write for sanity, not for money. I could take the approach of, "they must be afraid of me. They must think I'm out of their league" for all the jobs that have not even bothered to pick up the phone and call me. I start obsessing over where I went wrong on my resume, the psychological tests, the "reasons for leaving." My last job was tricky. I had to be available 24 hours a day, and I lived in. After 3 years of that I was burnt out and had constant heart burn and chest pain. So I write, "working 24 hours a day for 3 years affected my health." I bet this is scary for an employer. Also I had one workman's comp claim (I REALLY should have had two, when that TV fell on my head and I couldn't speak correctly for like a year), and I hear rumors that potential employees want to see if you're "that" kind of employee.
I used to not worry about anything. Believe me, I had a lot to worry about, but I just didn't. At the time I was encouraged by an observation from John Piper, a pastor here in the twin cities that was in a theological war with another pastor here in the twin cities, and my college friends and I decided to pick sides. I picked John Piper, a 5 point Calvinist who can spend a year on one chapter in Romans. I adored him, and I still highly respect him. My college friends and I were busy living in our little bubble of Christianity, not so much trying to figure out our own faith as the faith of our group. We used to joke that Piper's church was like a soap opera; you could miss church for a year and when you came back he was only 2 verses past where you left off. He's a brilliant man. His theology runs deep. The main contention was that this other pastor, Greg Boyd, had a theory he thought would console people and skeptics. He said bad things happen because God doesn't know the future, so how could he prevent it? I had a really hard time with limiting God, so I picked another camp. I remember being in a Christian bookstore, and someone was reading the back of Boyd's book, a collection of letters to his father, and the sales person came up and began talking to this customer, bragging that they know him, they go to his church, how brilliant he is. It all just kind of made me ill. I went hard core the other way, as did Piper, to escape this idea. Many sermons would be aimed directly at Boyd, and while I love Piper, for a time it felt like his teaching was more about proving someone else wrong than moving on to rejoicing. I think he felt like he helped create a monster, as they both were professors at the same school, and the school had to decide what allowance of interpretation was allowed. But I digress.
Somehow eventually I realized I'm not a 5 point Calvinist, and I didn't necessarily need to pick a side. People were so up-in-arms about this situation, I realized I was more passionate about the fight amongst believers than I was about furthering my own faith. I still hold Piper in high regard, and I cling to the "Future Grace" he brought so well to light, but I don't go there anymore; it's more like a reminder of a former time. It's odd.
Nevertheless, I was stuck in Florida in a no-win situation in the winter of 2001. I had brought a bunch of Piper's books with me to encourage me and to continue learning. One day I read about worry. He brought up the typical Bible verses on worry (you know, Jesus starts asking people if there is a point to worrying; if it will make you live longer, etc). I was faced with a slowly dying man before me, and this hit home to me. If he worried, it wouldn't make him live longer, and his end was imminent. If I worried, I wouldn't live longer and who knows what my end would be? Then Piper brought up another point. Leaving tomorrow's worries to tomorrow, because today had enough trouble. He drew the paralel to Moses and the Isrealites wandering in the desert. They had a lot to worry about, even if it was their own fault (like me). He provided them with manna, which they ate every day (leave it to humans to complain about eating the same food every day). The funny thing about manna is that you can't keep it. It's not a left-over type of deal. There was new manna every morning, and if you tried to preserve yesterday's manna, it would rot. They were given what they needed for the day. Each day they were given what they needed for that day's struggles. So I took that to heart and I didn't worry anymore. And I had a lot to worry about. But I just didn't.
After my time in Florida was done, I remember praying this ridiculous prayer: "Lord, I'm tired. If it's ok with you, could I just have smooth sailing for a while?" And I did. And I got comfortable with my easy life, jobs and money came to me, I was an independent girl who didn't have any worries, but I only looked at what was in front of me. So I didn't notice when my health started failing because of my high stress job, I was always taking one day at a time. I didn't notice when I burnt out and became bitter and irritated at the job I loved. And when I finally took a step back and looked behind me, I saw a path of destruction that I had been leaving behind in my quest for a smooth life and a "present day" look. So I realized something else when I left my last job; I realized that nowhere, in all the literature or encouraging things I had read, in the discussion of Calvinism vs. Skepticism was I supposed to ignore the past. I was only supposed to not worry about the future.
Faith is like a recipe. It looks easy on paper. The directions seem pretty obvious. But suddenly, once you start cooking, you realize they didn't really tell you anything about how to do it. So you try something, it may work it may not. You change the order of things. You add the baking powder later, then earlier. Sometimes you skip ingredients, sometimes you add your own. Most dishes never taste the same twice, and it may only be that way because of how you feel. You have to make the recipe and have faith that something good will come from it. You make it again, learning from what you did the last time. And nobody quite makes the same dish the same way. For instance, my friend and former boss was just commenting on facebook that she got this recipe from a friend and it's a new favorite, but she hasn't quite made it taste exactly like hers yet. Same ingredients, different feel.
So I have faith. I have faith that I have skills and intelligence and humor. I have faith that I will live, somehow, no matter what happens; I've been in worse situations. I have faith that eventually I will learn what I am supposed to, and I will work for someone or for myself, and that something good will come of it, even if I mess with the ingredients and change the order around. My eggs may come out green, my cake may flop in the oven, but in the end, it's the fact that I spent time in the kitchen that counts. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, and I know it's a little deep for a Thursday morning. Sorry.
Today's song of the day is Don't Worry, by Bob Marley
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Don_t_Worry/22489911
I just saw how Ironic that looks. If you know anything about my life, the fact that I picked reggae today, with this entry is just so weird.
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