So at Grace Church Roseville, this series of sermons is happening about Minnesota Nice. He had a great definition up there from Wikipedia, and it stirred up my own thoughts on the subject.
Minnesota Nice is an expected politeness, an inherited people-pleasing gene; letting others go first, opening doors, deferring to others when making a decision about social locales. Minnesota nice is nice, but I think it also brings to light an underlying self esteem issue that Midwesterners have as a whole. The premise is nice, make others feel good, so they like you. Minnesota Nice also carries with it a connotation of shallow, passive-aggressive behavior that leaves one open to manipulation. Minnesotans would die like martyrs just to prove a point, without having to say it, as long as they were the nicer one in the situation. They will exhaust themselves helping others and baking "bars," just so people won't think they don't care. They will put other families before their own, giving all they have, just to have the appearance of being a nice, wonderful person, while their own family falls to the wayside. People talk about that too.
With this Minnesota Nice expectation comes some stress. Often I will sit at a stoplight, waiting to turn left or right. If I am the first one at the light, I fear that somehow, even though the light is red and we are bound by law, I am holding up the person behind me. In my mind they get angrier and angrier, and it's my fault, because I am in front of them. Almost invariably, when I finally get up the nerve to confront the seething person by looking in my rear view mirror, there is no one even behind me. If they are there, they are oblivious to me. So Minnesota Nice becomes this constant quest of "how can I make everything easy for those around me," as if it is my job. Also stressful is sitting in, say an office waiting room. You're expected to make small talk. I'm not one for small talk, I don't like talking about the weather. I will give this to Minnesotans: they usually begin the conversation with a joke about themselves, to put everyone at ease, myself included. Because that would make other people comfortable. But after a few sentences, awkward pauses dot the conversation, and no one knows if the polite thing to do is continue the conversation, or if the other person is getting uncomfortable (see my first entry, "Searching for Jobs and Chutzpah"...these are "Bob" situations).
It seems like a wonderful thing, this Minnesota Nice, and it is, when one is in a new situation. People are warm and inviting. But getting into a real friendship is harrowing business. One can't just say, "this is the kind of friend I am, these are my faults" to a forming friend. These things have to come out slowly, over time. You can't stress someone out with any issues you may have with yourself. You can't show imperfections until well after the 5th or 6th lunch date. Many times, you invest the initial 4 months trying to get to know someone, and when they FINALLY start showing you who they are, it's not always pretty, or worth it, and sometimes you never get below their "nice." Sometimes (thank you, Gertrude Stein), there is no there, there.
The other issue about Minnesota Nice I didn't even realize until the last few years is the manipulation and actual insult that Minnesota Nice can bring. I worked in a very stressful place as a caregiver, and one of my coworkers would come and vent about Minnesota Nice on a regular basis. She was from Europe, and she just didn't understand this concept. Just say you messed up. Just say what you want from her and she will do it! There is this sense, and maybe it is heightened in the health care field, that you need to show people you care about others more than they do. You are a better person because of how you care for others, and your whole life is devoted to it. People use it as credentials; "because I work with the needy, I have a more weighted opinion." She also felt like it was lying. She didn't feel like she knew any really honest people, because everyone is trying so hard to be nice, that the truth never comes out at all.
The manipulation is different than the dishonesty. The manipulation comes from those that know what Minnesota Nice entails, and use it for sympathy, attention, food, you name it. Minnesotans are ridiculously easy to guilt. They'll fall for that game, as I have often done. But, taking over hot dishes and bars doesn't even help, because the helper won't ask what's going on. They won't delve into how else they can help; food solves everything. This works out well for the manipulator, because there really is no problem anyway. Other manipulations come from people who, in their quest to be nice, simply cannot show their true personality; they act differently with each friend they have, and in a group social event either don't go, or say little, because they have to be a different person with each friend. This is the people-pleasing gene. They always have to look like the good guy, or they always are in need of help. They pick a role in the friendship that will make the other person feel good about themselves, and the boundaries are set. This creates HUGE problems in a social group, because one friend thinks they know the friend in question, but then they hear a completely different side or issue from another. This brings up gossip, each friend calling the others to see what they were told, and the last resort usually is confronting the friend in question, which Minnesotans aren't typically prone to do. That would be rude.
Here's a perfect example of Minnesota Nice, a real texting conversation between my Minnesotan friend that moved to Tennessee. We'll call her D:
Me: We HAVE to get together and have lunch while you're visiting!
D: Totally! Where do you want to go?
Me: You're the one visiting, what places do you miss? You have to chose.
D: You have to choose, because you know what's there, and what's affordable and what's close. I do miss the ginger dressing at Saji-Ya, but I also like the Good Earth, the French Meadow and Shish.
Me: Well that is just plain not helpful. ;) Where is the French Meadow? I've never been there.
D: It's in Minneapolis, I can't believe you've never been there! It's all natural and delicious.
Me: That may be a little undesirable, geographically speaking (yes, this is how we text. We text for hours, when we could call in 10 minutes, and we both HATE abbreviations).
D: Well, they are all good to me. You pick.
Me: YOU pick! You're the one visiting!
D: Ok, how about you decide between Saji-Ya and the Good Earth?
Me: Fine. Saji-Ya. How's 11?
D: Great. Does Saji-Ya do lunch? Can we do 12:30?
Me: I'll check. (20 minutes later). Yes, they do lunch.
D: Ok, then Saji-Ya at 12:30. Unless you want to do something else.
Me: NO! That's it. Saji-Ya at 12:30. I'm so excited to see you!
D: Me too!
Ok, so that conversation is typical, and really happened. Apparently we have all the time in the world to make decisions. On the actual day, this is the texting that took place:
D: I'm running late and changing plans. Will 3:00 work for you? We could have an earlier dinner, or a late lunch.
Me: Sure! (20 Minutes go by). Uh-oh; Saji-Ya is closed from 2-5. We need to find another place.
D: Gah! ok. How about Shish?
Me: Where is Shish?
D: Somewhere on Grand. I can't remember. By MacAlester somewhere.
Me: Ok, I will google it. I can do that.
D: Are you sure? We could go somewhere else.
Me: I'm sure! I'm not having THAT conversation again. :P I will meet you at 3 at Shish on Grand.
D: Sounds great!
Believe it or not, this is progress. You can clearly see that I made a decision both times. Yay me. Plus, I told her that she was not being helpful, and she didn't cry. Yay her! :) This is why you use emoticons when texting Minnesotans, so they don't EVER get the wrong idea or read your message in the wrong tone. The number one rule: EVERYTHING is fine (I'm not shouting. See?).
So that is Minnesota Nice in a nutshell. A tool that can be used for Good or Evil. An inherent politeness that borders on the frustrating. A deep insecurity. And now you know.
Today's song of the Day is in process. I'm not feeling the right one. If you really need one now, Jack Johnson, Good People will do for now:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Good_People/21865857
Right now I'm feeling a little bad because at the service about how MN nice is not nice, a nice woman came up and introduced herself. I told her my name, and she started calling me Alice. I did not correct her. I didn't want to make her feel bad, and I didn't know if I would see her again. I realize this was the wrong thing to do. But Midwesterners aren't great with awkward either, it's a flaw in the people pleasing gene. Mapped to make everything nice.
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